The reflections of just an ordinary man trying to make sense under the sun for a brief span of three scores and ten! He tries to be serious, paradoxical and comical at times but many times he turns out to be a cynic in essence – to the world, his country, fellow pilgrims of faith and himself!
He takes life seriously. He thinks deeply about the issues affecting life. He spends time sharpening his faith by philosophically pondering, meditating and reflecting on a pragmatic action plan to live life before God without leaving his ivory tower of intellectualism.
Even though he had spent his entire life as a cleric with a brief span of “out in the cold” for rebellion, he still struggles with his profession! What a dilemma for his inner soul! He will freely admit that he wished he’d resigned every other Monday! Of course, there were times of great joy and satisfaction serving the Lord and seeing results. There were many times of “mountaintop” experiences that he would not trade with anyone. It would be a sin not to admit that basically, he enjoyed the work and ministry that God put him in all these years. Yes, he will not trade it for anything else. Yes, he will gladly sacrifice everything to do it all over again. Yet, it doesn't take away the many emotional struggles of quitting, of retiring, and disappearing into thin air, never to see another soul again! It’s a paradox of this cleric’s soul and spirit.
Perhaps it is the demand of relationships, discipleship and leading that causes such emotional upheaval in one’s heart. Relationships can be demanding, can be a strenuous pursuit and a costly asset to keep and to maintain. One has to constantly attend to it, to constantly appraise it and to constantly monitor its health.
When it comes to his beloved country, he is even more cynical. Though he loves his country he has a love-hate relationship with it. He wants to be patriotic but circumstance does not allow him to be. He can’t even if he wants to because his country has morphed into a very polarized, a racially, religiously and fanatical beast!
How about the world? Well, he is even more cynical and skeptical! He has a problem with the evilness of humanity. He has a problem with the clandestine and surreptitious operation of many countries – all for some selfish gain, some selfish survival instincts. The world is dark; full of evil, rebellion and sick jokes and jokers! The world has turned into a giant sewage filled with the filth of pornographic images in the media, psychopath warlords, dictators and regimes, and terrorist using the name of God in vain!
Concerning himself, well, he sees the world with cynicism. In some wild guesses, he would probably be hard on himself too! Yes, he certainly is! He thinks he could be better. He believed his contribution to the Kingdom of God was marred by his own rebellion, his own spiritual struggles and that only the grace of God has kept him thus far. He may be hard on himself but it also drives him to the Lord – to the warm embrace of the Father; His wonderful grace, His steadfast love, and His mercies. He is certainly grateful and thankful for the acceptance of God – His forgiveness!
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